stars

i walked dark roads with my dad in the heat of the night slow steps past fence posts and bent oaks and the fields felt far and the sky felt near the stars hit harder out there bright bites of light in a black wide night he spoke of his youth and the truth that he knew that he never felt better than bitter just trapped in his lot and i brought that thought home put up stars of my own held them close to a bulb then went cold in the dark trying to learn how they burned and still glowed while my mom said at ten i should pray be made pure to endure and to sleep so i’d spin them on blades watch them trace out a ring as i whispered to ceilings for something to keep me from thinking then later at that station that one in the town with the crowd drinking down every weekend with that blue metal box with the white stars on its face and i fed it two quarters heard the drop and caught what came out was thinner than i thought and thinner than the trust in my hands at fourteen with a plan to demand he be careful i barely could care for myself let alone a baby then cold hit me hard in a store full of noise and a choice to step out to my car turned to anger from him then to white stars that strobed in my black head left me lost without sense for some hours then days while he waved it away said i made it all up called me crazy instead so i filled up my room with more light blue and white purple i gave my toys names and frames built them lives from the nights i survived while he said at my age i should cage all that need to believe in relief but i still watch the stars from a man by my wall as they fall into spin while i whisper again to the ceiling and try to sleep