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BarbieLand
Legally blonde.
Spiritually derailed.
AITR
CD9
Prozac Princess
72-Hour Hold Barbie
She called it a grippy sock vacay. Psychiatry called it imminent risk.
Melt Down Barbie
Burn it. Burn it all. The sandwich. The stove. The Earth.
BPD Barbie
It’s been 7 minutes. He’s probaly married with kids now.
LCSW Barbie
She’s legally required to care. Comes with a notepad, a fake nod, and the face she makes when you say “twin flame.”
Ambien Barbie
Crazy Cat Lady Barbie
Prescriptions: unfilled. Schedule: wide open.
Cats: overfed. House: smells like Fancy Feast and emotional instability.
PMS Barbie
Chocolate. Heat pack. Existential dread. No shame.
She doesn’t sleep. She transcends. And sometimes that looks like Thanksgiving. In June. At 3:14 AM.
Cirrhosis Barbie
She’s yellow, she’s tired, and she’s Googling "funny hospice quotes" at 3am. Includes half-finished bottle of merlot, two psych meds that stopped working, and a vague ache in her right upper quadrant.
Dew It Yourself Barbie
No running water? No problem. And they called her a dumb blonde.
Doublewide Dreamhouse
Trailer Park Barbie
She learnt everything the hard way, through denial and error. Still don’t think she did anything wrong — probation’s a suggestion, and Kyle’s gonna change.
King of The Lot Ken
He says he don’t wear shirts ‘cause they trap in heats and sins. It’s science.
Double Wide Drama Set
Tuesday afternoon at the flamingo kingdom.
7 Shots and 4 Beer Ago Ken
With liberty and Bud Ice for all.
Hail Barbie,
Full of Grace
HolyFans Barbie
The wages of sin are $14.99 monthly
Confessional Barbie
Her body count is more than the beads on her rosary.
CrucifiKen
Forgiveness sold separately.
Bloody Mary Barbie
Coinable Confessional Barbie
Forgiveness is temporary. Verification is forever.
A little fire for the soul, a little sugar for the mood.
Mary Magdalene Barbie
And lo, the harlot tempted Him, but Christ raised His hand, saying: Freely I give, but never do I buy.
My Barbie,
My Choice
Walmart Mobility Barbie
She came for Diet Pepsi and left with three new hernias.
Chinese Buffet Barbie
Took the last crab leg and dared a child to say something. The scooter’s fully charged, the horn plays “Ave Maria", and it's legally a weapon.
Pizza Hut Barbie
There’s dough under her nails and a man in her bathroom. Only one’s coming out clean.
Piano Case Barbie
A burial fit for a legend…and a vending machine. Sponsored by Little Debbie
Revision Barbie
Third rhinoplasty, second brow lift, 600cc or regret and one remaining emotion.
Fun and Felonies
Breathalyzer Barbie
She’s got a pink convertible, a killer outfit, and a blood alcohol level pending review. Because glam doesn’t stop at sobriety checkpoints.
Afterparty Barbie
It’s all fun and games until glitter comes out of your nose
Klepto Barbie
She calls it light inventory redistribution. You call it larceny in the first degree.
Drive-by Barbie
Lip gloss on, saftey off.
Max Sec Barbie
Down to 120 months. Got 90 days in the SHU for engaging in sustained unspoken behaviors interpreted as intimidating. Described as "looming with cheekbones."
Party Starter Barbie
A beer is a terrible thing to waste.
Full Service Barbie
No refunds. No eye contact. No questions.
Pyro Barbie
All he had to do was text back.
Booking Barbie
Serving looks and 5 to 10.
Gay for The Stay Barbie
Love knows no parole
Lethal Injection Barbie
Down to 120 months. Got 90 days in the SHU for engaging in sustained unspoken behaviors interpreted as intimidating. Described as "looming with cheekbones."
Fantasyland
Our Lady of Perpetual Pink Barbie
Pray for us now and in the hour of our nail appointment.
Head in the Clouds Barbie
Pretty in pink and blissfully unaware
Pisces in Plastic
Serving looks from the deep end.
Barbie and Her Emotional Support Pegasus
They said it’d be an easy 20-hour-a-week gig. He’s pulling 70, smokes a pack a day, only leaves the clouds once a month, and she still thinks they’re "changing lives."
Good Witch Barbie
Legal classification only. Not a personality trait.
The Absurd Barbie
One must imagine Barbie happy.
Misfits of Malibu
Aqua Net Barbie
$19.99 for the full Glamour Shot package—plus $2 extra for laser beams. Worth every penny.
Might Delete Later Barbie
Seen: 274. Liked: 6. Regret: immeasurable.
Equine Delusion Barbie
(Horse Girl Barbie)
They exist in tandem, smooth-brained and serene, galloping toward nothing with perfect posture. Ask her anything, and she’ll say “horses.”
Best Aunt Ever Barbie
She just put wine in the humidifier.
Waffle House Barbie
She’s seen a man get tased over ketchup. That spatula has ended lives.
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