CrucifiKen

Forgiveness sold separately.

Cirrhosis Barbie

She’s yellow, she’s tired, and she’s Googling "funny hospice quotes" at 3am. x

Melt Down Barbie

Burn it. Burn it all. The sandwich. The stove. The Earth.

Ambien Barbie

She doesn’t sleep. She transcends. And sometimes that looks like Thanksgiving. In June. At 3:14 AM.

72-Hour Hold Barbie

She called it a grippy sock vacay. Psychiatry called it imminent risk.

LCSW Barbie

She’s legally required to care. Comes with a notepad, a fake nod, and the face she makes when you say “twin flame.”

Crazy Cat Lady Barbie

Prescriptions: unfilled. Schedule: wide open. Cats: overfed. House: smells like Fancy Feast and emotional instability.

Dew It Yourself Barbie

No running water? No problem. And they called her a dumb blonde.

BPD Barbie

It’s been 7 minutes. He’s probaly married with kids now. And all she's got is bangs.

Warzone Barbie

did you get the hotdog tho

Chinese Buffet Barbie

Took the last crab leg and dared a child to say something. The scooter’s fully charged, the horn plays “Ave Maria", and it's legally a weapon.

Suicide Barbie

warm water barbie, it helps the blood flow

HolyFans Barbie

The wages of sin are $14.99 monthly.

Bloody Barbie

A little fire for the soul, a little sugar for the mood.

Coinable Confessional

Forgiveness is temporary. Verification is forever.

Confessional Barbie

Her body count's higher than all her Hail Marys

Mary Magdalene Barbie

And lo, the harlot tempted Him, but Christ raised His hand, saying: Freely I give, but never do I buy.

Afterparty Barbie

its all fun and games til glitter comes out of your nose

Gay for The Stay Barbie

Love knows no parole.

Max Sec Barbie

Down to 120 months. Got 90 days in the SHU for engaging in sustained unspoken behaviors interpreted as intimiadating. Described as "looming with cheekbones."

Lethal Injection Barbie

bring nembutal back to the ppl

Drive By Barbie

Lip gloss on, safety off.

Party Starter Barbie

Pour decisions, poor decisions.

Full-Service Barbie

No refunds. No eye contact. No questions.

Sugar Baby Barbie

she works for it

Breakup Barbie

7 Shots and 4 Beers Ago

With liberty and Bud Ice for all

Trailer Park Barbie

She learnt everything the hard way, through denial and error. Still don’t think she did anything wrong — probation’s a suggestion, and Kyle’s gonna change.

Double Wide Drama Set

Tuesday afternoon at the flamingo kingdom.

King of the Lot Ken

He says he don’t wear shirts ‘cause they trap in heats and sins. It’s science.

Breathalyzer Barbie

She’s got a pink convertible, a killer outfit, and a blood alcohol level pending review. Because glam doesn’t stop at sobriety checkpoints.

Mugshot barbie

Klepto Barbie

She calls it light inventory redistribution. You call it larceny in the first degree.

Pyro Barbie

All he had to do was text back.

Walmart Mobility Barbie

She came for Diet Pepsi and left with three new hernias.

World Trade Center Barbie

Hair stayed perfect. Spleen did not.

Down The Rabbit Hole Barbie

Get mad

Our Lady of Perpetual Pink Barbie

Pray for us now and in the hour of our nail appointment.

Munchkinland Barbie

suns out guns out

Barbie and Her Emotional Support Pegasus

They said it’d be an easy 20-hour-a-week gig. He’s pulling 70, smokes a pack a day, only leaves the clouds once a month, and she still thinks they’re "changing lives."

Daydream Barbie

Pretty in pink and blissfully unaware

Good Witch Barbie

Legal classification only. Not a personality trait.

Barbie of the Absurd

One must imagine Barbie happy

Equine Delusion Barbie (Horse Girl Barbie)

They exist in tandem, smooth-brained and serene, galloping toward nothing with perfect posture. Ask her anything, and she’ll say “horses.”

Might Delete Later Barbie

Seen: 274. Liked: 6. Regret: immeasurable.

Aqua Net Barbie

$19.99 for the full Glamour Shot package—plus $2 extra for laser beams. Worth every penny.

Period Barbie

shes been asking for a fucking hysterectomy for 12 years

Aquariofilia Barbie

Why did the fish blush? Cause it saw barbie's ass

Pizza Hut Barbie

There’s dough under her nails and a man in her bathroom. Only one’s coming out clean.

Best Aunt Ever Barbie

She just put wine in the humidifier.

Piano Case Barbie

A burial fit for a legend…and a vending machine. Sponsored by Little Debbie

Waffle House Barbie

She’s seen a man get tased over ketchup. That spatula has ended lives.

Revision Barbie

Third rhinoplasty, second brow lift, 600cc or regret and one remaining emotion.

Ken, AIDS Patient #whatever

His dad says it’s pneumonia. The garage says otherwise. Either way, he’s dying next to a lamp from Kmart.

McDonald's Barbie

"Sorry about your weight." "Oh no worries, I’d wait all day for these Big Macs baby"